Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
