Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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