my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
