Taylor Swift is so right about you.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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