This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
