I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
