You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
