i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
my shit smells like andre
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
