Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
