you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
