Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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