My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I will pee on everything he values.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
