Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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