Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
