I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
