I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
