ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
