I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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