Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
