why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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