My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
