a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
