I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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