ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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