So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
