I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
