i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
