you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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