I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
