im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
