Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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