Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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