I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
