What did I eat last night that was bloody?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You have to summon your inner elephant
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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