so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Randomize
