i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
