Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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