If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The air taste purple.
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