Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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