1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
