yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
