No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
