3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
