Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
