Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
