Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
