Sry I called you an 8
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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