the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
