She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
