and she was petting her beer can
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
