Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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